Warning: This Manuscript Makes Little To No Sense!
You probably haven't heard enough about the republican primaries on mainstream media. So being an astute citizen, joints and cheese would like to bring you some perspective. Various officials and "so called" celebrities have been asking the candidates some tough pertinent questions, and some of them haven't. Some of the candidates have answered these questions, and some haven't. I was thinking about what kind of question would I ask potential candidates in a debate, if given the chance. I tossed and I turned attempting to come up with this ultimate question. And just when I thought it would never come, it hit. It was short, simple and fully disclosing. The question I would ask is: "What is your stance on hawt chicks?" What I realized is that the implications of this question have serious statistical and ideological ties to presidential success.
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| "This is my finger, it is for groping hawt chicks. This is my tongue, it is for denying it! Hawt Chicks for you and me." "Where the fuck is my Mcrib! |
All jokes aside now lets think about this. This is an exciting time. I will be voting for Herman Cain, and by Herman Cain I mean Mike Tyson impersonating Herman Cain, next year. I will be voting for him primarily because in a private press conference Cain stated, "Hawt chicks are America, just like me. If elected I will facilitate there presence by subsidizing Gilbeys and Squirt, Beer Bongs, and executing a fountain pour on the fizirst lady during my inauguration speech." (Sources unreported but Blake Anderson was there, and I know he feels me)
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| "He's not kidding dude. I was there and it was rad as balls." |
Hermann Cain's potential candidacy is in someways is the hot european 7th cousin to the "Who would you rather have a beer with?" paradigm. Yeah I'd like to have a beer with Cain, but I'd prefer that he were not running for president. That way I could party with him and perform awesome buddy pours with him. Just as I wish my hot 7th european cousin wasn't actually related to me so I could see if bidets really work. Herman should be elected in my mind, mainly because i believe that me and Blake's votes alone should outweigh all other votes. Apparently democracy says otherwise. Regardless, it is a fact that if elected, with this mindset, Herman will join a long list of awesome presidents that have literally blown the lid off the industry of facilitating hawt chicks.
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| Knowing Bill Clinton, in many ways the greatest American since Kennedy or the guy from "Sons of Guns," he probably did hit it |
When it comes down to it , what is a good president but that one guy that is just a little more charismatic, better looking and a whole lot dumber than you. That one guy who talked his way into his female professors pants at the Ivy League School -which his dad talked his kid into- in order to graduate top of his class. Who then talked his way into the oval office. Charisma and charm, not intelligence, are the most essential modern presidential quality. Some people may take offense to this, but I am sorry its true. The last two admired presidents were Kennedy and Clinton, and both were notorious womanizers. I honestly wouldn't want a President any different. If he can cheat and manage his love life, he can handle foreign relations. Hilary is much scarier that any African or Middle Eastern War Baron. When he was in office, taking over Dictators was the easy part of Clinton's day. The President, in nature and title is the nation's Chief Executive Officer. The CEO does not come up with Business Plans and Innovative Ideas, he approves them. When Steve jobs tried to do that as CEO of Apple, he was fired and resulting in him doing LSD for 5 days in the woods visa vie a buttchug facilitated by Andy Dick. (Steve Jobs failed to comment on this report but Blake Anderson corroborates this story)
My ideal President is not what is being portrayed in the media today. People seem to want an all encompassing figure to emerge and single handedly fix all the problems with America. Being disappointed in the lack of said figure is what religion is for. My President is the guy who was kicked out of an AC/DC concert not for doing coke off a girl's rack, which he was, but because he was stealing too many of the band's groupies; because this is the modern American way. Ever since the "Baby Boomers," the subsequent generations, however you choose to name them, no longer have the skills, work ethic or intelligence to compete on an even level with the rest of the world. My platonic President is a constant reminder that charisma, connections and the ability to look good in a suit trump intelligence any day. He is proof that the ability to make a shitty party rock, by turning up the Kenny Loggins and Europe playlist and delivering a speech (grounded in no fact or logic) that enables all who hear it to consume--or at least perceive that they can consume-- double to triple their typical regiment of alcohol; resulting in every guy at the party getting laid, will prevail in life. His stance on hot chicks transcends all other stances previously, and probably includes a diagram for the proper footing for the given position. There is proof in his behavior that the American Way will not succumb to the demands of reality, and for that we thank you. So grab a handful of hawt chicks for the boys and Vote Cain Busey 2012. Because maybe the issues in America today are due to poor leadership, a poor work ethic or maybe just maybe it is because people take things just a little too seriously. So crack a domestic beer and do something stupid because you have the fucking right to do so. (I suggest Beersinthepants.com) Then maybe you'll crack a laugh and remember why freedom makes America the greatest country on this earth you, Soggy Dog You.
---Post by Gabe Piacentini
My ideal President is not what is being portrayed in the media today. People seem to want an all encompassing figure to emerge and single handedly fix all the problems with America. Being disappointed in the lack of said figure is what religion is for. My President is the guy who was kicked out of an AC/DC concert not for doing coke off a girl's rack, which he was, but because he was stealing too many of the band's groupies; because this is the modern American way. Ever since the "Baby Boomers," the subsequent generations, however you choose to name them, no longer have the skills, work ethic or intelligence to compete on an even level with the rest of the world. My platonic President is a constant reminder that charisma, connections and the ability to look good in a suit trump intelligence any day. He is proof that the ability to make a shitty party rock, by turning up the Kenny Loggins and Europe playlist and delivering a speech (grounded in no fact or logic) that enables all who hear it to consume--or at least perceive that they can consume-- double to triple their typical regiment of alcohol; resulting in every guy at the party getting laid, will prevail in life. His stance on hot chicks transcends all other stances previously, and probably includes a diagram for the proper footing for the given position. There is proof in his behavior that the American Way will not succumb to the demands of reality, and for that we thank you. So grab a handful of hawt chicks for the boys and Vote Cain Busey 2012. Because maybe the issues in America today are due to poor leadership, a poor work ethic or maybe just maybe it is because people take things just a little too seriously. So crack a domestic beer and do something stupid because you have the fucking right to do so. (I suggest Beersinthepants.com) Then maybe you'll crack a laugh and remember why freedom makes America the greatest country on this earth you, Soggy Dog You.---Post by Gabe Piacentini