Just to get started there is a critical notion here that everyone needs to understand. In the real world, the point is not to get as drunk as humanly possible as fast as humanly possible. You heard me. The point is not to get as drunk as humanly possible as fast as humanly possible. That being said, the point is also not to stay sober and boring all night. Drinking is fun. The point is to see how long one can maintain a fun level of drunkenness, not how much. Additionally, before we begin I would like to add that there is time and place for every drink... well almost any drink out there. However, when you order a drink you are communicating something about you're self. One must be aware of their surroundings and take advantage of this to appear well rounded, cultured, employable yadda yadda yadda. Your drink says something about you, so why not say something positive.
Starting off, let me say one thing: You can never go wrong with a beer. Let me say that one more time. You can never go wrong with a beer. When in doubt have a beer. It is simple, cheap, tasty and there are lots of choices. Beer is neutral, nice, but neutral. However for those of us who are adventurous and feel responsible enough to dive into the wonderful world of cocktails, there are endless possibilities.
Top of the morning to ya. You are on a trip with your dad, it's breakfast and he asks for the cocktail menu. It's the hardest choice of them all: The morning drink. This one is tricky. This drink sets the tone for the rest of the day. We're here to party, but not in excess. Ordering a beer here would be acceptable, not desirable, but acceptable. In my mind only two drinks are acceptable at this time: the Bloody Mary (and it's variations) and the Mimosa. The Mimosa, to me, is an expensive cop out for a drink. I personally would rather have nothing at all, but some people rather enjoy them. Now to an excellent drink acceptable any time, the Bloody Mary. Having been called "the World Most Complex Cocktail, " the Bloody Mary is excellent for any occasion, perfect for taking the edge off from the night before, as an aperitif or for any other purpose you may choose. It is light, refreshing and packs a spicy punch. It is classically made with Vodka, Tomato Juice and other spices served on the rocks in a Highball Glass (For more info on glass types and names click here.) The variations of the Bloody Mary differ with every mixologist and ranges in style from shots to beer cocktails. My personal favorite is the Bloody Caesar, the national drink of Canada, which includes pork products such as Bacon or Ham in the mix. For more information on Bloody Mary variations click here.
Alright, after conquering the morning drink you stop by a bar for an afternoon cocktail, say after work with co-workers, family members or a potential love interest. Or potentially, you are meeting your girlfriend and her parents at the lobby bar of their hotel before you go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Beer is very appropriate in this scenario, especially if its sunny and in the open. Following your boss's/girlfriend's dad's/whoever the fuck you're with's lead is also never a bad idea, either. If he wants Tequila shots, hold onto your pants because that means you want Tequila shots. However, this is also a nice opportunity to really wow someone as well. Welcome to the world of the Fizz, the Spritz, the Sling, the Soda, the Collins and the Julep (just to name a few.) The possibilities in this category are endless. I am going to make one simple and light suggestion, however, in this category. When it comes to a drink that helps you look good, while also helping you stay on your best behavior; one word comes to mind: Campari. The Campari and Soda is a classic cocktail and unfortunately, the first time you try it, you likely won't like it. However, a wise man once said to me, "Do you know how much Whiskey I drank until I started to like it." Campari drinks in my mind are the pinnacle of class and refreshment. Light, crisp, bitter served on the rocks with a dash of club soda. Nothing beats a Campari and soda on a hot summer day, as the sun fades into the abyss. Campari is not for everyone, however for those who like to explore a little bit more, I highly recommend it. Additionally, coming in at 20% by volume, Campari will keep your mind sharp and cool; leaving your cocktail guzzling friends out of the loop come nightfall. The Campari and Soda is the quintessential aperitif, transitioning the day into night. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with a nice Gin and Tonic, a Glass of Wine, a Mojito (if you like Mojito's, try being a little more exotic and go for the Brazilian Caprinhia) or even a Bottomless Margarita, but for those looking for something distinguishably special, I invite you into the world of the aperitif with the first level of the Camparineti: The Campari and Soda.
Night has fallen. Dinner has been served. You have had a couple of light drinks and are ready to step your game up. Bring on the brass, so to speak. This is usually when you would shotgun a couple of beers, but the crowd isn't quite right. You want to up the ante but you don't know how without losing the class, you wish to convey. This is the bonus round: the late night bar round. But what you don't know this is also the best round. You have a ton of options at this point, the Old Fashioned, the Sidecar, the Manhattan, the Rob Roy, and my personal favorite the Negroni. I am rather partial to Campari, and the Negroni is the King of the Camparineti. The Negroni is the perfect late night cocktail. Strong, smooth and most importantly you need balls of steel to finish it. The Negroni to me is the perfect drink for a late night session.The bitter of the Campari, the bite of the gin and the orange zest make it my favorite of the Classic Cocktails. For those less partial to Campari, may I recommend the Old Fashioned. The cocktail of cocktails in the minds of many mixologists. The bourbon, simple syrup, bitters and orange zest provide an equally ball bashing experience for a young man on a night out. The way in which the bartenders make it varies significantly bar to bar, so make sure you're in the right type of place to order this classic cocktail. I prefer the pre-prohibition Old Fashion; and with the dawn of the digital age, if you ask for it specifically, the bartender usually gets it right.
This is also an appropriate time to test the waters with your party. Hopefully, they will have had a couple of drinks and will be open to some more adventurous drink types. Shots that excite but are not overbearing, such as an applejack, lemon drop, B-52, Sambucca slide, or some other house specialty shot that looks acceptable can be a great way to loosen up your girlfriend's mother/sister/that nice MILF you started talking to ten minutes ago (Cross your fingers and hope your assessment of your personal scenario is right on this one.) Believe it or not older people really like drop shots. Fire... ehhh not so much, but the excitement of the dropping and the chugging makes them forget about the fact that the best days of their lives are behind them and the panties loosen a tad. In this category we have a couple options and in my experience it is usually the name of the drink that will make this go negatively. Yelling "hey bro, 4 Rampaging Gut Bombs please!" Usually doesn't go well. Instead if one wishes to instigate such a thing, surprise is in many ways of the essence. (This is also true of shots.) The next time your waiter passes you by slip him or her a five dollar bill and say hey in a couple of minutes could you send over blank number of Vanilla Delights, Hot Tubs or Car Bombs. Nothing too extreme, just a nice little heyyo. This isn't an opportunity to show someone older than you how you and your friends drink, merely a nice way to inject some fun. Being polite, respectful and responsible are all things someone should aspire to be around their elders. But don't forget to have fun. Doing shots or specialty drinks, while an excellent way to maintain a nice BAC, should be more about the communal experience. Something to show them hey I am responsible yadda yadda yadda, but that doesn't mean I'm not fun. One closing note, humility in any of these scenarios never hurt anyone. Not sure, order a beer or a seven and seven. While drinking classic cocktails is fun and they taste incredible, pretentiousness is not often seen well. Know your surroundings adapt to them and have a good time. But most importantly, order what you feel comfortable with and stick by it. This does not mean an ADMF is acceptable with breakfast, merely order what you feel comfortable with. Whether that be a seven and seven or a Brandy Sling, own what you order, enjoy it and tip. Then go out with your buddies and play "shotgun til you puke" knowing that you know how to drink at a real bar without looking like a tool.
For more on Classic and Contemporary Cocktails visit Jimmy's Cocktail Hour
---Post by Gabe Piacentini